Can't Wait for the Awesome!

You know when you look back on something you thought was awesome but really turned out to be just totally shitty...and you wonder how you could be such an idiot, cause for the most part, you're a smart cookie?!

...and you find yourself wondering, why did that have to happen? What was even the point? To see how terrible you can feel and still survive? I mean, who needs that?!

...but then you realize that when awesomeness comes around again and this time it's some realdealMFingbananaswoohoothatsit awesome...the comparison is going to blow your mind!

Yep! Can't wait for that AWESOME.

(in the meantime I'm gonna keep painting and baking and riding my bike)

Laters!

Home is Where the Hollywood is...

I woke up this morning
and you were on my mind.

A hangover from a dream.
(my subconscious still converses with you)

One turn and out of bed,
the canyon air, perfect.

The kind of day you only get in LA,
in spring, before the heat.

My mind melds the dream with reality,
and I want to continue that conversation over lunch.

I mentally pack a picnic basket,
food binds us where little else did.

Soon I'm feeling the wind in my hair
with you in front of me.

Dreams are beyond the need for safety,
we're flying...

Reality begins and ends in dreams.
Though not real, Facebook smacks of reality.

Post on my home feed
of how to love yourself more.

I am confused.
This is not the problem, it never has been.

I love me and have the capacity to love you,
but you don't, not me or (I have a sneaking suspicion) you.

This perfect late morning in the Hollywood hills,
it should be a movie.

My subconscious makes it a movie,
"You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for [fuck] sake!"

The setting may be right,
but the players are not.

Obviously I have not reached the arc.
My plot is still being written.

Until then, I will be kind to myself
and remember that reality begins and ends in dreams.

Traveling Light...

So, there's been a (not so fun) recurring theme with the past few men I've given my heart to, and I've been struggling to unpick what is going on...but I think I may have figured it out. (Thanks, Erin, for the reiki and reminder that I have a light heart).

I've somehow been attracted to men who find women with excess baggage interesting. I found myself thinking back to an early high school boyfriend, in combination with some more recent and current interactions with men in my life and a pattern emerged.

I've been stepping into these connections with an open, uncomplicated heart (having been so blessed with a loving and supportive past...everyone should be so lucky!) but I think this lightness of being has backfired on me. I think, because of this lack of heavy, lack of drama, I'm being perceived as both boring and possibly not engaging the subconscious male animal's protective instincts...a one-two punch that is cultivating disengagement.

The tricky part is...how to I go about solving this? How do I break this cycle? How do I find a man who understands that after a while all that baggage gets heavy, it becomes a burden that gets in the way of the adventure that is life. I travel light, and traveling light is great for adventures.

I know that at some point I may acquire more baggage, hold more sorrows...that's a natural part of life...but I don't think this will make me anymore authentic or interesting than I am now...so...

I know there is an adventurous man out there somewhere that wants to run out into the world with me and do all the THINGS!! Someone that can stand tall next to me...both of us with light hearts, open. [and maybe (at least for now) only a carry-on between us...😉].

Happy 12yr Anniversary...

What do You Call a Blonde...

"What do you call a blonde with pigtails?"

       ~ "A blow job with handles." 



NOTHING about this "joke" is ok...especially giving the setting...

I (with my hair in pigtail/buns) had just stepped on to the Red Line in Hollywood. I'm use to the crazies, the homeless, the rando's chatting you up and all the other medley of people I encounter on the subway in Los Angeles, but having someone say that to me, out loud, in public, was kind of the last straw. This man was not crazy (though he might have been drunk) ...and not a single person on the fairly busy train said a word... not. one. word.

...at the time I was wearing my black biker style boots and I wanted to kick him right in the face. I am not a violent person, but this kind of treatment is not to be tolerated...but I, unlike at least one person on that train, know how to restrain my impulses. Fortunately for me, I had my ear buds in and though no music was playing through them at the time, I was able to ignore this person that was not worth a millisecond of my time.

...but the real trouble is, I have given more than a millisecond of my time to guys who think it is ok to treat me like garbage. Oh, they haven't done anything like the guy on the train, but in many ways what they have done is much worse. Worse in its subtlety, so that I don't realize I'm being sucked into a black hole of communication. They open the door for me like a gentleman but when I step through the door they disappear. These men lacked the directness of my subway encounter and, as shitty as it was, I'd prefer a direct asshole any day to the slippery ghosts I've had to deal with for the past few years...at least then I would know immediately that they needed a metaphorical boot in the face, kicking them out of my life swiftly and effectively.

I like "me" and in general I like other people. I try to be direct, honest and kind when dealing with people even when we don't see eye to eye and I really don't fucking understand why others can't try and do this as well...

In the wake of this, it is difficult to find the desire to push myself to find someone to date...I know there are many kind and honest men out there... I know a few...many of my friends are dating and/or married to some exemplary men.

I don't think it is too much to ask, to want someone who is both kind/honest and exciting... but for some reason I can't seem to find someone who excites me (and I them) who also wants to open that door, step inside, and stick around...

An Anniversary

Ten years. 

If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be single for ten years, I would not have believed them. 

Ten years...I lived it and I still don't believe it.

Oh, I've had some casual dates and some hopeful moments, but nothing has stuck. I've had people tell me that I'm too picky, but honestly, can you be too picky when it comes to someone you want to spend the adventure of your life with? 

I don't think I've been too picky. I mean the last person I was (and still kinda am) interested in isn't tall or classically good looking, though I find him very attractive. He doesn't have a fancy degree from some Ivy League school or a high powered job, but he loves what he does and that is incredibly appealing...that passion for a life that is being lived. He's old enough to have had many life experiences that might make one pause...ten years ago it would have made me pause... But you see, in ten years I've gotten less picky, and more, at the same time. What then would have made me hesitate is now what makes someone interesting. Their life. History. What has built them into the "them" they are today.

Ten years ago I might not have seen beyond some of these superficial things. Not enough of my "boxes" would have been ticked...but now...now I have no little "boxes". Instead I have a gut feeling that says pay attention...

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some desperate creature that needs someone to "complete me" (or save me or any other nonsense of that ilk). I am perfectly happy with the "me" I am today. I have a pretty good handle on who I am and what I'm looking for out of life...I'm not perfect and I don't expect or want perfection, for me or from someone else. But, as much as I love my life, I do want to share it with someone...and if the last ten years are anything to go by, something has got to change.

But what?

The day is coming, when I will be able to let go, let go of the "might have been" and heart in hand, take a step forward again. 

But where?

Tinder? (<click on Tinder..I'm laughing hysterically) OkCupid? Match? eHarmony? A set-up from well intentioned friends of my parents?

My little romantic heart doesn't want to shop for love online, but what else can I do...?

(he did...I did)

For now, I've used up all my sticky tape to keep my heart in shape and I'm working on having "the courage to start all over again." 

About a Boy...

I met a boy this summer.

I call him a boy because he made me feel like a girl in all the best possible ways...that exhilarating high, that you always want, but don't often reach.

I will admit, I had stars in my eyes and hope in my heart.

I knew from the beginning, like all relationships, that we might try and see and it might not work...and while I knew this would be painful, the "not working" part, I was willing to take that risk because I knew I would be able to live with it. That the pain of something that has run its course is something I can handle, that is ok, because I and we have given it our best shot. It is a natural, if difficult progression. 

The spark that has never been given the chance to burst into flame...how do you live with that? How do you live with something that never got the chance to "not work"? To me that is one of the saddest things of all...


     "Over time, the ghosts of things that happen start 
     to turn distant...they wear thin. The ones that slice 
     like razors forever are the ghosts of things that 
     never got the chance to happen."

                                              ~ T. French


Stars no longer sit in my eyes, but I still have hope in my heart, it's ripping at me...the ghost flame of what might have been or could still be... Only time will change that...

I met a boy this summer...and I can't seem to let him go...