Bookends

The hills outside San Jose are dotted with a particular tree in full bloom. Their color is that of a forsythia bush, but they are tall, the blooms a yellow puffball the size of a grapefruit or large navel orange. The color bursts out from a sea of lush green as they dip and wave in the breeze. It must be spring, now, here in this timidly familiar place.

Pylons criss-cross the verdant surroundings as we approach the city...moved forward in a luminous pink bus. I've given Costa Rica two months of my life now, slowly inching up the list of other geographical contenders for my attention. The slender bodies of the bamboo that frame the highway are yellow too, but softer. Broken up by their leafy tops, they do not smack in the eye like the "Costa Rican forsythia" does.

Our pink bus plunges down the hill into the suburbs of San Jose. My two bags (one holding all my art) and I will soon be expelled from this rosy air-conditioned cocoon into the bustle of the city for my last forty-eight hours here...ramping up to the level of home, LA.

Reflective, as one might be on, say, New Years Eve, I circle around this thought...I do not believe in transformational festivals, an irony not lost on me, since I spend the better part of the year bringing these festivals to fruition...but there it is. For me, life is transformational. Life, that is so much bigger in scope than a tiny sliver of time in the jungle, or in the dessert, or the mountains...but in this particular instance the festival has served as bookends to my year. Highlighting my transformation in the year that was wedged in-between.

"What a difference a year makes!" This common phrase is spot on for this last year. My experience of this festival, as well as my changed response to the city of San Jose have served well in highlighting this shift. Confusion, heartache and loneliness have faded away, like darkness with the approaching dawn. This year I am "me" again! Happy and interested in life all around me. Invested in my art and hopeful again that I will find an adventure partner that shares my passion for life rather than kills it...what a difference a year makes...

While you, my dear (few) readers, may find your festivals to be transformational (and I'm happy for you if they are, as I LOVE creating that magic)...I will be happy if my life continues to be a source of learning and transformation.

Can't Wait for the Awesome!

You know when you look back on something you thought was awesome but really turned out to be just totally shitty...and you wonder how you could be such an idiot, cause for the most part, you're a smart cookie?!

...and you find yourself wondering, why did that have to happen? What was even the point? To see how terrible you can feel and still survive? I mean, who needs that?!

...but then you realize that when awesomeness comes around again and this time it's some realdealMFingbananaswoohoothatsit awesome...the comparison is going to blow your mind!

Yep! Can't wait for that AWESOME.

(in the meantime I'm gonna keep painting and baking and riding my bike)

Laters!

Home is Where the Hollywood is...

I woke up this morning
and you were on my mind.

A hangover from a dream.
(my subconscious still converses with you)

One turn and out of bed,
the canyon air, perfect.

The kind of day you only get in LA,
in spring, before the heat.

My mind melds the dream with reality,
and I want to continue that conversation over lunch.

I mentally pack a picnic basket,
food binds us where little else did.

Soon I'm feeling the wind in my hair
with you in front of me.

Dreams are beyond the need for safety,
we're flying...

Reality begins and ends in dreams.
Though not real, Facebook smacks of reality.

Post on my home feed
of how to love yourself more.

I am confused.
This is not the problem, it never has been.

I love me and have the capacity to love you,
but you don't, not me or (I have a sneaking suspicion) you.

This perfect late morning in the Hollywood hills,
it should be a movie.

My subconscious makes it a movie,
"You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for [fuck] sake!"

The setting may be right,
but the players are not.

Obviously I have not reached the arc.
My plot is still being written.

Until then, I will be kind to myself
and remember that reality begins and ends in dreams.

Traveling Light...

So, there's been a (not so fun) recurring theme with the past few men I've given my heart to, and I've been struggling to unpick what is going on...but I think I may have figured it out. (Thanks, Erin, for the reiki and reminder that I have a light heart).

I've somehow been attracted to men who find women with excess baggage interesting. I found myself thinking back to an early high school boyfriend, in combination with some more recent and current interactions with men in my life and a pattern emerged.

I've been stepping into these connections with an open, uncomplicated heart (having been so blessed with a loving and supportive past...everyone should be so lucky!) but I think this lightness of being has backfired on me. I think, because of this lack of heavy, lack of drama, I'm being perceived as both boring and possibly not engaging the subconscious male animal's protective instincts...a one-two punch that is cultivating disengagement.

The tricky part is...how to I go about solving this? How do I break this cycle? How do I find a man who understands that after a while all that baggage gets heavy, it becomes a burden that gets in the way of the adventure that is life. I travel light, and traveling light is great for adventures.

I know that at some point I may acquire more baggage, hold more sorrows...that's a natural part of life...but I don't think this will make me anymore authentic or interesting than I am now...so...

I know there is an adventurous man out there somewhere that wants to run out into the world with me and do all the THINGS!! Someone that can stand tall next to me...both of us with light hearts, open. [and maybe (at least for now) only a carry-on between us...😉].

Happy 12yr Anniversary...

(Everybody) Be Somebody*

It seems that I keep having people in my life, friends and acquaintances, who are working so hard at being somebody. Who are looking externally for what makes them somebody. Who feel as if they are not somebody because they haven't made some kind of mark on the world around them.

I want to reach out somehow, place my hands on their shoulders and say "you are somebody!" You have been somebody all your life.

You may want to do more of something and less of something else, but that is simply the trajectory or path of your life's activities.

It is not you.

History (your past) does not make you somebody.

Success does not make you somebody.

Failure does not make you somebody.

"Likes" do not make you somebody.

Happiness does not make you somebody...

neither does sadness.


While all these things, experiences, may give you a deeper understanding of your "somebody", they are not you, they do not define the quintessence of you.

You always are and always have been somebody. Stop trying so hard. Accept that you are somebody. Love that somebody. Hold those who know your "somebody" close...those ones who mirror back the true quintessence of you. 

Let those who don't, fade away.

Some people will never see you, see your "somebody"...let them go. It is not their job to see you. You see you. That is your job...it is your only job...the rest is just activity.




(*for those of you who had the distinct pleasure of knowing the magical beauty that was Sweat, Sir Henry's...EVERYBODEEEEE, BE SOMEBODEEEE! EVERYBODEEEEE, MOVE YOUR BODEEEE!!!!)

Meaning-full

In the wake of confusion that comes when someone decides, for whatever reason, that they are no longer into you, I always find myself asking the big questions...like, "what is the point?" and other such ruminations. During this last fallout period, I ran across a quote from Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. It struck a chord. So I ordered the book and began to read it between bouts of self-indulgent mopey-ness. I haven't finished it yet, but so far it has been a good and thought provoking read. It has made me think around my own ideas of the meaning of it all.

Here's what I've come up with, for me, personally. 


     The meaning of life is to have a life full of (lived) meaning.
      (I like how that is kind of a verbal palindrome) 



I'm sure I'm not the first (nor will I be the last) person to have this idea, but what I do like about it is that it's a blank slate or in my case, a blank canvas. The blank canvas has no judgements, it simply sits there, waiting for you to choose a color and start to paint. Meaning or meaningfulness is a bit like painting, you have to approach it with intent. Without intent you will produce mud...

I also like the universality of this idea. That, if you pay attention to what your genuine needs are for fulfillment, then this idea should provide a path to finding meaning in life that fits perfectly with you, and only you. It does require some thought about what genuinely gives you meaning, but it is fluid and can accommodate most needs and can change and develop over time. I hesitate to use the word "needs" as there is a lot written about setting yourself free of need. However, in my mind these are not "needs" that make you needy, but rather less concrete aspects of life that bring you fulfillment. Ok, I'm starting to ramble...examples, right, good idea!


For me, the things that give my life meaning are - 


     People. The people I choose to surround myself with... 
     (both friends and family)

     Creating. Or creative expression, in all its forms. 
     (painting, baking, ceramics, photography, dancing, etc!!)

     Adventure. Travel...seeing what is around the next bend, 
     whether that bend is on the other side of the world or the 
     view from my bike in an unexplored neighborhood of LA, or   
     around the corner of time...as well as the adventure of 
     discovering new people, new creative pursuits, new stories, 
     internal exploration, etc...the adventure of life/living, 
     as it were.


Those are my three. What are yours? What feeds your soul? What fulfills you?

While, not being wanted, can knock me on my emotional ass for a minute or two, it never really takes the meaning out of life for me, it just pushes me to reflect, reassess, lick my wounds and then get on with living, with intent, purpose and meaning!

An Anniversary

Ten years. 

If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be single for ten years, I would not have believed them. 

Ten years...I lived it and I still don't believe it.

Oh, I've had some casual dates and some hopeful moments, but nothing has stuck. I've had people tell me that I'm too picky, but honestly, can you be too picky when it comes to someone you want to spend the adventure of your life with? 

I don't think I've been too picky. I mean the last person I was (and still kinda am) interested in isn't tall or classically good looking, though I find him very attractive. He doesn't have a fancy degree from some Ivy League school or a high powered job, but he loves what he does and that is incredibly appealing...that passion for a life that is being lived. He's old enough to have had many life experiences that might make one pause...ten years ago it would have made me pause... But you see, in ten years I've gotten less picky, and more, at the same time. What then would have made me hesitate is now what makes someone interesting. Their life. History. What has built them into the "them" they are today.

Ten years ago I might not have seen beyond some of these superficial things. Not enough of my "boxes" would have been ticked...but now...now I have no little "boxes". Instead I have a gut feeling that says pay attention...

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some desperate creature that needs someone to "complete me" (or save me or any other nonsense of that ilk). I am perfectly happy with the "me" I am today. I have a pretty good handle on who I am and what I'm looking for out of life...I'm not perfect and I don't expect or want perfection, for me or from someone else. But, as much as I love my life, I do want to share it with someone...and if the last ten years are anything to go by, something has got to change.

But what?

The day is coming, when I will be able to let go, let go of the "might have been" and heart in hand, take a step forward again. 

But where?

Tinder? (<click on Tinder..I'm laughing hysterically) OkCupid? Match? eHarmony? A set-up from well intentioned friends of my parents?

My little romantic heart doesn't want to shop for love online, but what else can I do...?

(he did...I did)

For now, I've used up all my sticky tape to keep my heart in shape and I'm working on having "the courage to start all over again." 

New Years...

Ok, so I had planned to do a post about New Year's resolutions...original, eh?! Here was my rough start... 

"Boys? Fecking Houdini's...I've been dating magicians ...all magic and then poof! like fuckin' Houdini they disappear. My new years resolution...NO MORE FUCKING Houdinis!!!! ...now I just have to figure out how to sort out the real magic from the cheap illusion!

This year I have two resolutions. To floss my teeth everyday (root canals suck) and to stop falling for magicians.

get sucked into the magic, dazzled by the spectacular..."

However, instead of that kind of "meh" post, I'm going to write what I've already learned this year!

"Maybe" means "No" and henceforth I will be treating all "maybes" as such! ...and done!

Oh, and dancing 'til I am drenched in sweat to deep house music is still the best (temporary) cure for all ills!

Happy 2015 everyone!! 

Hollywood Surrealism

There's something quite surreal about biking through Hollywood, late on a Wednesday night...or rather early on a Thursday morning after a few glasses of wine at THE Dinner Party. It's early February, so the air is crisp and refreshing...a nice antidote to divergent conversation and entwining music making with friends who know how to knit together melodies and harmonies that makes your head whirl...

Of course the ride is not in anyway a basis for reality....a random man in a cowboy hat, strolling and strumming the guitar in front of the all night pharmacy (chemist)...pockets of party kids leaving the clubs punctuate the night, but mostly a quietness so often absent and a feeling of anticipation or possibilities arises... 

I sense a state of being that feels like how I was ten years ago, in Ireland, wandering home through urban landscapes, feeling and knowing anything was possible...and while the feeling is still there, some of the potential is lost, would I really take hold of an adventurous night time story, follow a line and lose the plot or would my ten-years-older head keep me from following the lead of possibility...? Reality sets in when I turn up the hill on Beachwood. I miss the wild recklessness of ago, but think that life may have devoured or compressed it out of existence...maybe I will surprise myself yet, and lose the plot only to find another...

2 grapevines + 1 steamer x boredom = ...

...lots of grape juice!

Or as I like to call it, veggie vino! So my reentry into the US of A has been boring, sticky and smelling of hot grapes...I like two out of the three, so I guess that's better than none.

However, the grapes have all been harvested and I am no closer to having a job than I was when I started the pickin'! I keep thinking that something's gotta give (and hoping that it's not just me, giving my last penny to Visa, Mastercard, and Discovery). So fingers crossed for a more interesting, less sticky and...well, I'd be ok with a hot grape smelling future!

A Beginning...

A new blank blog is a bit like a blank canvas, and since I usually tone my canvases before I start to work, perhaps...perhaps I should do the same here...

In an ideal world I would set out to write about something relevant, pertinent and coherent! I doubt I will ever hit that trifecta, but we'll see...

I am in the midst of packing boxes and as I am not just moving across town, but rather across the pond (Atlantic) I have to put some extra thought into this.

What should I toss? (more than I will, pack rat that I am!)

What should I store? (clothes that I will only toss out two years later?!)

What should I take with me? (I foresee overweight suitcases at the check-in counter!)

The emotional ramifications of this move are starting to seep in as I think about leaving behind my lovely LA family, and I know I will miss them more than I care to think about at this moment... but it is time. Time to move forward... I hear a box calling to be taped up and labeled...