The Power of Tiny

Painting walks a fine line between meditation and inner contemplation...after this last Burn I dove straight in and sank so deep that I was a day late in returning my rental car (oops!). While there have definitely been meditative moments, on the whole, the process of working on this latest painting has been a very contemplative process...digesting internal experiences that took place for those two weeks in the dust. (my navel runs deep 😉)

Today I had a moment where a physical/visual occurrence dovetailed with my inner monologue (so it makes for a tidy example).

The painting I've been working on contains some blocks of letters on red. They are bold and stand out in a sea of (mostly) monochromatic tones. They are the visual equivalent of the grand gesture...and they were at odds with the rest of the painting...too bright...too much...to there...but I knew that they had to be a part of the painting...a part of the bigger picture.

This afternoon, I made a tiny gesture. A tiny visual gesture. I added five matching red shapes, the largest of which is no bigger than the fingernail on my index finger...and the whole painting just popped into togetherness.

You wouldn't think such a tiny element would have such a big impact, but it does. This tangible example mirrored what I have been mulling over in my head, during, and since the Burn.

So much in our lives focuses on the grand gesture (and don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan, it makes for a good story) but what inspires me more is the tiny gesture...the tiny pebble that is tossed into a pond and the subsequent ripples that reach the other side and then reflect back.

Maybe some slightly less esoteric examples will paint a better picture.

I went to the Burn this year wanting, seeking the grand gesture, the epic adventure, the sparkle...and for the most part it remained elusive...

In a mid-week lull of whatthefuckisgoingonIwashopingforadifferentnarrative, a tiny moment presented itself. Not a grand adventure. Not a chance to have a magical make-out session under the stars, nor a letscommandeerbikesandgetlost or a letseatallthefuckingcandy* ...but rather a moment that said, stop, sit outside your tent and a small but worthy conversation will come your way.

It did.

Change radiated out from that tiny conversation and back in...

Tiny gestures...

Of course the power of tiny gestures goes both ways. You can take two seconds to pick up a mooped sequin or two second to brush off someone in need of inclusion...

I think in the face of big events (and there are so many happening around us constantly) we feel a need to respond with a big gesture, and we forget that even the tiniest act, can have a profound effect...

I guess what I'm really trying to say, is thank you, to all you bringers of the tiny gesture...you made my Burn... x

Traveling Light...

So, there's been a (not so fun) recurring theme with the past few men I've given my heart to, and I've been struggling to unpick what is going on...but I think I may have figured it out. (Thanks, Erin, for the reiki and reminder that I have a light heart).

I've somehow been attracted to men who find women with excess baggage interesting. I found myself thinking back to an early high school boyfriend, in combination with some more recent and current interactions with men in my life and a pattern emerged.

I've been stepping into these connections with an open, uncomplicated heart (having been so blessed with a loving and supportive past...everyone should be so lucky!) but I think this lightness of being has backfired on me. I think, because of this lack of heavy, lack of drama, I'm being perceived as both boring and possibly not engaging the subconscious male animal's protective instincts...a one-two punch that is cultivating disengagement.

The tricky part is...how to I go about solving this? How do I break this cycle? How do I find a man who understands that after a while all that baggage gets heavy, it becomes a burden that gets in the way of the adventure that is life. I travel light, and traveling light is great for adventures.

I know that at some point I may acquire more baggage, hold more sorrows...that's a natural part of life...but I don't think this will make me anymore authentic or interesting than I am now...so...

I know there is an adventurous man out there somewhere that wants to run out into the world with me and do all the THINGS!! Someone that can stand tall next to me...both of us with light hearts, open. [and maybe (at least for now) only a carry-on between us...😉].

Happy 12yr Anniversary...

(Everybody) Be Somebody*

It seems that I keep having people in my life, friends and acquaintances, who are working so hard at being somebody. Who are looking externally for what makes them somebody. Who feel as if they are not somebody because they haven't made some kind of mark on the world around them.

I want to reach out somehow, place my hands on their shoulders and say "you are somebody!" You have been somebody all your life.

You may want to do more of something and less of something else, but that is simply the trajectory or path of your life's activities.

It is not you.

History (your past) does not make you somebody.

Success does not make you somebody.

Failure does not make you somebody.

"Likes" do not make you somebody.

Happiness does not make you somebody...

neither does sadness.


While all these things, experiences, may give you a deeper understanding of your "somebody", they are not you, they do not define the quintessence of you.

You always are and always have been somebody. Stop trying so hard. Accept that you are somebody. Love that somebody. Hold those who know your "somebody" close...those ones who mirror back the true quintessence of you. 

Let those who don't, fade away.

Some people will never see you, see your "somebody"...let them go. It is not their job to see you. You see you. That is your job...it is your only job...the rest is just activity.




(*for those of you who had the distinct pleasure of knowing the magical beauty that was Sweat, Sir Henry's...EVERYBODEEEEE, BE SOMEBODEEEE! EVERYBODEEEEE, MOVE YOUR BODEEEE!!!!)

Meaning-full

In the wake of confusion that comes when someone decides, for whatever reason, that they are no longer into you, I always find myself asking the big questions...like, "what is the point?" and other such ruminations. During this last fallout period, I ran across a quote from Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. It struck a chord. So I ordered the book and began to read it between bouts of self-indulgent mopey-ness. I haven't finished it yet, but so far it has been a good and thought provoking read. It has made me think around my own ideas of the meaning of it all.

Here's what I've come up with, for me, personally. 


     The meaning of life is to have a life full of (lived) meaning.
      (I like how that is kind of a verbal palindrome) 



I'm sure I'm not the first (nor will I be the last) person to have this idea, but what I do like about it is that it's a blank slate or in my case, a blank canvas. The blank canvas has no judgements, it simply sits there, waiting for you to choose a color and start to paint. Meaning or meaningfulness is a bit like painting, you have to approach it with intent. Without intent you will produce mud...

I also like the universality of this idea. That, if you pay attention to what your genuine needs are for fulfillment, then this idea should provide a path to finding meaning in life that fits perfectly with you, and only you. It does require some thought about what genuinely gives you meaning, but it is fluid and can accommodate most needs and can change and develop over time. I hesitate to use the word "needs" as there is a lot written about setting yourself free of need. However, in my mind these are not "needs" that make you needy, but rather less concrete aspects of life that bring you fulfillment. Ok, I'm starting to ramble...examples, right, good idea!


For me, the things that give my life meaning are - 


     People. The people I choose to surround myself with... 
     (both friends and family)

     Creating. Or creative expression, in all its forms. 
     (painting, baking, ceramics, photography, dancing, etc!!)

     Adventure. Travel...seeing what is around the next bend, 
     whether that bend is on the other side of the world or the 
     view from my bike in an unexplored neighborhood of LA, or   
     around the corner of time...as well as the adventure of 
     discovering new people, new creative pursuits, new stories, 
     internal exploration, etc...the adventure of life/living, 
     as it were.


Those are my three. What are yours? What feeds your soul? What fulfills you?

While, not being wanted, can knock me on my emotional ass for a minute or two, it never really takes the meaning out of life for me, it just pushes me to reflect, reassess, lick my wounds and then get on with living, with intent, purpose and meaning!

New Years...

Ok, so I had planned to do a post about New Year's resolutions...original, eh?! Here was my rough start... 

"Boys? Fecking Houdini's...I've been dating magicians ...all magic and then poof! like fuckin' Houdini they disappear. My new years resolution...NO MORE FUCKING Houdinis!!!! ...now I just have to figure out how to sort out the real magic from the cheap illusion!

This year I have two resolutions. To floss my teeth everyday (root canals suck) and to stop falling for magicians.

get sucked into the magic, dazzled by the spectacular..."

However, instead of that kind of "meh" post, I'm going to write what I've already learned this year!

"Maybe" means "No" and henceforth I will be treating all "maybes" as such! ...and done!

Oh, and dancing 'til I am drenched in sweat to deep house music is still the best (temporary) cure for all ills!

Happy 2015 everyone!! 

My Week Without Facebook

The first step is admitting you have a problem... Hello. My name is Heidi and I am a Facebook addict. 

This last week I decided to take a break from Facebook. I had read a few studies and was feeling unhappy about some aspects in my life, so I decided to take a break and see if Facebook was to blame. 

Before I went on this Facebook break I assumed (based on things I had read and heard) that I would feel better after my week off. Having never been addicted to anything in my life before, it was weird to go through the experience of withdrawal. The first couple of days were definitely the most difficult, but by day three, that constant twitch to check my news feed was decreasing to just an occasion itch that wanted scratching.

So now my week is up and in actuality I don't feel any different. Those aspects of my life that are making me unhappy still are...because what affects my mood comes directly from my reality, not simply from the digital representation of my world. It is not what is on Facebook that affects my mood, but rather my pattern of behavior in how I engage with it. Doing things I know will make me unhappy on Facebook is the same as doing something in reality that upsets me. If I have the ability to be aware of my destructive behavior patterns and the will power to modify those bad habits, then both my online life and my real life will reflect those positive changes.(I hope)

While I feel that the study I read did make a valid point, for me personally, happiness is tied to what is going on in my real life and Facebook tends to mirror that. What I mean is, if something is bothering me in real life, it will bother me on Facebook too. 

One thing I did notice during this break is that Facebook sucks you into being a spectator of your life rather than experiencing it first hand. So, while I don't think Facebook makes me any more unhappy, I do think it can take me away from doing the things that make me happy...like dancing or working on a creative project.

So, as an addict, I have to say it was glorious to plunge back in to the digital world of Facebook, but I'm going to try and be mindful of both my time and behavior patterns in regards to my digital world. We'll see how I do...and if I succumb to binging again, maybe I'll do a month next time...just saying that makes my hands twitchy.

Happiness, A Two-Part Invention

There's a lot of stuff out there that says you have to find your own happiness, follow your bliss and choose to be happy, blah, blah, blah...but they leave out an important point, happiness, is often, a two part invention. Unless you are a hermit living alone on a mountain top, your happiness will be linked, in part, to your interpersonal relationships (and I don't just mean romantic relationships, I mean all relationships with other people).

Now don't get me wrong. I do think you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness and if you are searching for happiness in others, it's time to stop and figure out what you want to be happy and satisfied with your life...but this is not what I set out to write about.

To get to know someone, whether it's a romantic relationship, a deep friendship or a family member, you have to put some of your happiness into their hands...to fall into happiness with someone. To be able to have this kind of deep resonant happiness you have to trust and be vulnerable. This is your gift to them and their gift to you. This doesn't mean that you're not responsible for your own happiness. What it means is, initially (and continually) in any relationship you have to let go a little and put some of your happiness in someone else's hands to see if it is valued, cherished. 

If you take that risk and fall into happiness with someone and they do not value your happiness, you'll keep falling and hit the ground with a thud. It is ok to thud, maybe even a couple times, (the person you are falling with is human after all, and we all make mistakes, we all drop someone's heart at some point). But, if every time you leap you hit the ground (thud), then it is time to stop falling. They are not falling with you into happiness and they are not going to catch you. It is time to step back from the edge and take back the responsibility for your happiness again.

I think one of the most tricky things is to be able to hurtle yourself off that cliff into happiness again after you've had a few thuds (though it can also be equally as hard to stop jumping with the same person if you are hopeful they will change). 

So here's my point, I guess... Don't be afraid to let go and leap off the edge into happiness with someone, but stop falling if you keep on hitting the ground. 

 

False Positive

When did we become obsessed with being happy? 

It seems so often these days I encounter an instance of what I call false positivism. People or ideologies that preach the gospel of always looking on the bright side of life. Don't get me wrong, I think a healthy positive outlook can do a lot towards making your life a happy one, it's just that I want genuine happiness... a happiness that is grounded in (my own and subjective) reality rather than this false positive veneer that has no basis in who I am and how I respond to things as an emotive human being.

I would probably call myself a positive realist. Now, I know that many pessimistic people have hidden behind the motto "I'm a realist" giving it a negative slant, but for me, true, deep and genuine happiness has its foundation in reality. Our subjective realities are unique and complicated and as such, our own particular brand of happiness is often colored by this. It is this coloring that makes us multi-dimensional individuals rather than cardboard cut-out paper dolls with smiles plastered to our faces. 

Since when did we have to feel one emotion for a single given situation? I am, as are you, a complex human being. I can be both happy and frustrated in the same moment about a single thing. That's what makes us so interesting...our complexity and multifaceted emotional nature. 

I'll use myself as an example. The other day I got a teaching gig. One private student, for art lessons. I was extremely happy about this for many reasons... I enjoy teaching, I need more work, additional income, something to add to my resume and so many other things made my emotional response to this a happy one. However, my student is a 2 hour (each way, 4hrs total!) commute away and this aspect tempered my happiness with a twinge of frustration. My happiness was grounded in the reality of the situation. It didn't make me any less happy, I was simply able to hold both happiness and frustration in response to this single situation. As I said before, our primary emotions are often tempered  by a myriad of things. When I shared this news on Facebook (as you do!) I was honest about how I felt. For the most part all I received were heartfelt congratulations....but I did have a friend who has fallen victim to the need for false positivity. They felt the need to chastised me for adding a grey lining to a silver cloud. For a moment I was angry, and then I was just a bit sad that my friend couldn't realize what a healthy choice my realistic happiness was. By my choosing to embrace the complexity of this joy, I was able to understand it (and myself more fully) and have a lasting happiness about it. 

Unexamined or blind happiness in my opinion is not actually happiness at all. I choose examined, complicated happiness for my life and (for me, at least) that comes from looking at myself (yes, a little bit of navel gazing isn't the worst thing ever) and understanding how to embrace a joy that is grounded in my own subjective reality.

I am not much of a writer (paint is my medium of choice) so instead of waffling on any longer this (click "this") lovely combination of words and art, probably does a better job at getting what I'm trying (so un-eloquently) to say! Also this (click "this") is an interesting read for how to deal with negative emotions...rather than slapping the happy wallpaper over it!


...that said, (the season of outdoor dancing is upon us and...) I am :-) 

ps - I hope you enjoyed all of my links!!

Doggie Domestication and Personal Rumination

Achhh! I have been so slack about blogging as of late, but life is busy, ya know?! It's not like I have a job, or a career, or a family to take care of...but somehow I manage to be busy...who knows what will happen when I start living like an "adult"...I'll probably spontaneously combust!

I digress...

So what's with the odd blog title? Well, recently I have been doing a lot of dogsitting. It's not some spectacular career move, but it does put a few bucks in my back pocket, let me stay in different neighborhoods around LA, make art and play with doggies...

It also means that unless I'm conversing with the dogs (which I do, sometimes) it still leaves me with quite a lot of time to ruminate about things...

The most recent little thought that floated through my head was this~ 

We put too much emphasis on how life or a certain situation feels (and by this I mean our emotional response to any given situation)rather than focusing on what is (or the reality of said situation...reality being subjective, of course!) 

I'll use myself as an example.

Right now I don't have a job, no career, no boyfriend, no fiancee, no apartment, no house, no car..."no SIM card, no disco, no photo...we want your soul!" Oops, I digress again, but you get the picture. This situation feels uncertain, my emotion response is one of concern about all of the afore mentioned. That is how the situation feels.

However, the is...

In reality (or my version of reality) things are no more uncertain than if I had a house, a job, "Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electric tin can openers..." 

Wait... I digress yet again! What I mean to say is that in reality my life is no more uncertain without all these trappings than it is with them, it just feels that way.

And you know what I decided, I choose not to.

I choose not to feel that way. I choose to embrace the fact that life is just going to happen and if I keep putting one foot in front of the other in the direction that I choose, I will get somewhere...and then somewhere else and elsewhere after that.

I think it is in our human nature to focus too much on the fear our feelings can engender rather than looking at why we are having those feelings in the first place and why our natural response to them is actually a conditioned response that grows out of our experiences.

Choose to change your responses.

Choose forward motion.

"Choose life" :-)