Bookends

The hills outside San Jose are dotted with a particular tree in full bloom. Their color is that of a forsythia bush, but they are tall, the blooms a yellow puffball the size of a grapefruit or large navel orange. The color bursts out from a sea of lush green as they dip and wave in the breeze. It must be spring, now, here in this timidly familiar place.

Pylons criss-cross the verdant surroundings as we approach the city...moved forward in a luminous pink bus. I've given Costa Rica two months of my life now, slowly inching up the list of other geographical contenders for my attention. The slender bodies of the bamboo that frame the highway are yellow too, but softer. Broken up by their leafy tops, they do not smack in the eye like the "Costa Rican forsythia" does.

Our pink bus plunges down the hill into the suburbs of San Jose. My two bags (one holding all my art) and I will soon be expelled from this rosy air-conditioned cocoon into the bustle of the city for my last forty-eight hours here...ramping up to the level of home, LA.

Reflective, as one might be on, say, New Years Eve, I circle around this thought...I do not believe in transformational festivals, an irony not lost on me, since I spend the better part of the year bringing these festivals to fruition...but there it is. For me, life is transformational. Life, that is so much bigger in scope than a tiny sliver of time in the jungle, or in the dessert, or the mountains...but in this particular instance the festival has served as bookends to my year. Highlighting my transformation in the year that was wedged in-between.

"What a difference a year makes!" This common phrase is spot on for this last year. My experience of this festival, as well as my changed response to the city of San Jose have served well in highlighting this shift. Confusion, heartache and loneliness have faded away, like darkness with the approaching dawn. This year I am "me" again! Happy and interested in life all around me. Invested in my art and hopeful again that I will find an adventure partner that shares my passion for life rather than kills it...what a difference a year makes...

While you, my dear (few) readers, may find your festivals to be transformational (and I'm happy for you if they are, as I LOVE creating that magic)...I will be happy if my life continues to be a source of learning and transformation.

An Anniversary

Ten years. 

If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be single for ten years, I would not have believed them. 

Ten years...I lived it and I still don't believe it.

Oh, I've had some casual dates and some hopeful moments, but nothing has stuck. I've had people tell me that I'm too picky, but honestly, can you be too picky when it comes to someone you want to spend the adventure of your life with? 

I don't think I've been too picky. I mean the last person I was (and still kinda am) interested in isn't tall or classically good looking, though I find him very attractive. He doesn't have a fancy degree from some Ivy League school or a high powered job, but he loves what he does and that is incredibly appealing...that passion for a life that is being lived. He's old enough to have had many life experiences that might make one pause...ten years ago it would have made me pause... But you see, in ten years I've gotten less picky, and more, at the same time. What then would have made me hesitate is now what makes someone interesting. Their life. History. What has built them into the "them" they are today.

Ten years ago I might not have seen beyond some of these superficial things. Not enough of my "boxes" would have been ticked...but now...now I have no little "boxes". Instead I have a gut feeling that says pay attention...

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some desperate creature that needs someone to "complete me" (or save me or any other nonsense of that ilk). I am perfectly happy with the "me" I am today. I have a pretty good handle on who I am and what I'm looking for out of life...I'm not perfect and I don't expect or want perfection, for me or from someone else. But, as much as I love my life, I do want to share it with someone...and if the last ten years are anything to go by, something has got to change.

But what?

The day is coming, when I will be able to let go, let go of the "might have been" and heart in hand, take a step forward again. 

But where?

Tinder? (<click on Tinder..I'm laughing hysterically) OkCupid? Match? eHarmony? A set-up from well intentioned friends of my parents?

My little romantic heart doesn't want to shop for love online, but what else can I do...?

(he did...I did)

For now, I've used up all my sticky tape to keep my heart in shape and I'm working on having "the courage to start all over again." 

Biking Around the Road Blocks

Sometimes life throws things at you and you've got nuthin'...each way you turn you seem to encounter a road block. I've got a couple solutions when life sends me down a dead end. The first is dancing. 

While dancing is awesome, sometimes the clubs are closed and dancing around in your room just isn't going to cut it! That brings me to my second solution. Biking! 

Today was such a day, where I was again facing something that has (at least at the moment) no solution. I'm very good at falling down that rabbit hole where my mental wheels will spin and I won't actually get anywhere. When I feel that I'm falling into this trap, it's time to get the other wheels spinning. So, I put on my happy t-shirt... 

...and went for a ride.

While neither dancing nor riding actually solves anything, it does allow me to push a personal reset button...and now I want another happy t-shirt that says "Bicycle Doggy Chariots Make Me Happy!"

Doggie Domestication and Personal Rumination

Achhh! I have been so slack about blogging as of late, but life is busy, ya know?! It's not like I have a job, or a career, or a family to take care of...but somehow I manage to be busy...who knows what will happen when I start living like an "adult"...I'll probably spontaneously combust!

I digress...

So what's with the odd blog title? Well, recently I have been doing a lot of dogsitting. It's not some spectacular career move, but it does put a few bucks in my back pocket, let me stay in different neighborhoods around LA, make art and play with doggies...

It also means that unless I'm conversing with the dogs (which I do, sometimes) it still leaves me with quite a lot of time to ruminate about things...

The most recent little thought that floated through my head was this~ 

We put too much emphasis on how life or a certain situation feels (and by this I mean our emotional response to any given situation)rather than focusing on what is (or the reality of said situation...reality being subjective, of course!) 

I'll use myself as an example.

Right now I don't have a job, no career, no boyfriend, no fiancee, no apartment, no house, no car..."no SIM card, no disco, no photo...we want your soul!" Oops, I digress again, but you get the picture. This situation feels uncertain, my emotion response is one of concern about all of the afore mentioned. That is how the situation feels.

However, the is...

In reality (or my version of reality) things are no more uncertain than if I had a house, a job, "Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electric tin can openers..." 

Wait... I digress yet again! What I mean to say is that in reality my life is no more uncertain without all these trappings than it is with them, it just feels that way.

And you know what I decided, I choose not to.

I choose not to feel that way. I choose to embrace the fact that life is just going to happen and if I keep putting one foot in front of the other in the direction that I choose, I will get somewhere...and then somewhere else and elsewhere after that.

I think it is in our human nature to focus too much on the fear our feelings can engender rather than looking at why we are having those feelings in the first place and why our natural response to them is actually a conditioned response that grows out of our experiences.

Choose to change your responses.

Choose forward motion.

"Choose life" :-)

The Reluctant Cyclist

I am, without a doubt, a reluctant biker. It's not that I don't like riding a bike...or that I'm lazy. I actually love riding and have fond memories of riding on top of the wall surrounding a lovely old Italian town or being thrilled (and a bit terrified) on a mountain biking afternoon in Switzerland... It's just that here, in LA, I don't like playing king of the road with cars...

Fortunately for me, I'm allowed to ride on the sidewalk (or path to you non-American speakers!) However, this does pose a different set of problems...cracks that run parallel to my tire (or tyre)...forcing me into a groove I do not desire, blind driveways and the like.

So I've come to the conclusion, I think, that what I like and dislike the most about biking is that it makes me feel alive (and therefore also aware of my own mortality...) But, since it is my current, and only chariot (aside from my legs and feet) I am getting over my reluctance, exploring uncharted (at least for me) territories and enjoying the spring air, the scent of jasmine, orange blossoms and car exhaust...

* the picture is from the fabulous Lucca, Italy (sadly LA is not "quite" so picturesque!)

Hollywood Surrealism

There's something quite surreal about biking through Hollywood, late on a Wednesday night...or rather early on a Thursday morning after a few glasses of wine at THE Dinner Party. It's early February, so the air is crisp and refreshing...a nice antidote to divergent conversation and entwining music making with friends who know how to knit together melodies and harmonies that makes your head whirl...

Of course the ride is not in anyway a basis for reality....a random man in a cowboy hat, strolling and strumming the guitar in front of the all night pharmacy (chemist)...pockets of party kids leaving the clubs punctuate the night, but mostly a quietness so often absent and a feeling of anticipation or possibilities arises... 

I sense a state of being that feels like how I was ten years ago, in Ireland, wandering home through urban landscapes, feeling and knowing anything was possible...and while the feeling is still there, some of the potential is lost, would I really take hold of an adventurous night time story, follow a line and lose the plot or would my ten-years-older head keep me from following the lead of possibility...? Reality sets in when I turn up the hill on Beachwood. I miss the wild recklessness of ago, but think that life may have devoured or compressed it out of existence...maybe I will surprise myself yet, and lose the plot only to find another...

Tube vs Metro

So for better or worse I've traded my London life in for life in LA... There are definitely things I miss about London, but there are things I love about being back in LA... Life gets complicated when you make each place you live, your home.

London for one, is infinitely more accessible without a car than LA is. London is compact, dense and when it's not raining cats and dogs it is a city that is truly a pleasure walk in. LA is a city where car is king, the urban (and suburban) sprawl seems never ending. However, that is changing, hence the title of this post - Tube vs Metro.

I have to say, the Tube is amazing! It goes virtually everywhere. It runs frequently enough that I never had to wait long for a train to arrive. The Metro is, well, not amazing but it is expanding and I am very happy about that!

The biggest problem with the Tube is that it is (like most things in London) very expensive, which meant that if the trip was walkable...I did so. Another strike against the Tube was its lack of late night service. I'm a night owl and an all night service would have been awesome. The Metro wins this round because it's only a buck fifty to ride and provided you don't change lines, that buck fifty will get you a very long way. Also the Metro runs 'til 2am on the weekends, which (if I'm able to ignore the weirdos) makes me very happy!

The funniest difference between the two is underground etiquette. Everyone in London knows that you stand on the right and walk up the left...no one one has a clue here in LA and the escalators are used willy nilly...but if the Metro keeps expanding, maybe that will change!

Maybe I should start an underground escalator etiquette class...

The London Hat Kanundrum

Just a short little blog (including some pictures of a few amazing hats!)

So the London hat kanundrum is simply this -

The weather in England is very hat wearer friendly. It's cold and rainy and generally has weather that does not suit un-hatted hair. You add to that numerous wonderful millinery shops throughout greater London and it should equal hats on heads on every street corner!

...but it doesn't!? I'd say that in sunny balmy LA (where by all reason, free flowing locks should rule) there are more (by a landslide) hats per capita (on the capite!)... and that, I say is the London hat kanundrum.

And now the studying beckons and I must answer to show that this head is not just a hatrack!