Warning! (contents under pressure)

Most days you wake up feeling fairly intelligent...then there are those days when your brain goes on vacation...

False Positive

When did we become obsessed with being happy? 

It seems so often these days I encounter an instance of what I call false positivism. People or ideologies that preach the gospel of always looking on the bright side of life. Don't get me wrong, I think a healthy positive outlook can do a lot towards making your life a happy one, it's just that I want genuine happiness... a happiness that is grounded in (my own and subjective) reality rather than this false positive veneer that has no basis in who I am and how I respond to things as an emotive human being.

I would probably call myself a positive realist. Now, I know that many pessimistic people have hidden behind the motto "I'm a realist" giving it a negative slant, but for me, true, deep and genuine happiness has its foundation in reality. Our subjective realities are unique and complicated and as such, our own particular brand of happiness is often colored by this. It is this coloring that makes us multi-dimensional individuals rather than cardboard cut-out paper dolls with smiles plastered to our faces. 

Since when did we have to feel one emotion for a single given situation? I am, as are you, a complex human being. I can be both happy and frustrated in the same moment about a single thing. That's what makes us so interesting...our complexity and multifaceted emotional nature. 

I'll use myself as an example. The other day I got a teaching gig. One private student, for art lessons. I was extremely happy about this for many reasons... I enjoy teaching, I need more work, additional income, something to add to my resume and so many other things made my emotional response to this a happy one. However, my student is a 2 hour (each way, 4hrs total!) commute away and this aspect tempered my happiness with a twinge of frustration. My happiness was grounded in the reality of the situation. It didn't make me any less happy, I was simply able to hold both happiness and frustration in response to this single situation. As I said before, our primary emotions are often tempered  by a myriad of things. When I shared this news on Facebook (as you do!) I was honest about how I felt. For the most part all I received were heartfelt congratulations....but I did have a friend who has fallen victim to the need for false positivity. They felt the need to chastised me for adding a grey lining to a silver cloud. For a moment I was angry, and then I was just a bit sad that my friend couldn't realize what a healthy choice my realistic happiness was. By my choosing to embrace the complexity of this joy, I was able to understand it (and myself more fully) and have a lasting happiness about it. 

Unexamined or blind happiness in my opinion is not actually happiness at all. I choose examined, complicated happiness for my life and (for me, at least) that comes from looking at myself (yes, a little bit of navel gazing isn't the worst thing ever) and understanding how to embrace a joy that is grounded in my own subjective reality.

I am not much of a writer (paint is my medium of choice) so instead of waffling on any longer this (click "this") lovely combination of words and art, probably does a better job at getting what I'm trying (so un-eloquently) to say! Also this (click "this") is an interesting read for how to deal with negative emotions...rather than slapping the happy wallpaper over it!


...that said, (the season of outdoor dancing is upon us and...) I am :-) 

ps - I hope you enjoyed all of my links!!

All Apologies (yes, I had my formative years in the mid-90's)

Apologies are a waste of breath.

That is what I think.

Here's why.

First let me say, that I understand why we have the convention of apologies. From a very young age we are told that if we wrong someone we should apologize. They, in turn, should then forgive our wrong doing. While I realize that we will always unintentionally cause people pain, I don't think that apologies are the way to change this...and I don't actually think we can change this aspect of human interaction, only try and become more aware of our actions and how they affect others.

Apologies in actuality do nothing for the receiver...it does not change the past, nor does it really indicate that there will be a change in the future. At best it makes the trespasser feel a bit better about having done something that made you feel small and unseen as a fellow human being. I am a firm believer in the truism, actions speak louder than words. I don't want a payment of lip service if you are then going to go right back to the actions that undermine every word that just came out of your mouth. As Beatrice (one of my favorite Shakespearian leading ladies) said... "Foul words is but foul wind, and foul wind is but foul breath, and foul breath is noisome..."

I want no apologies. If your actions have caused me some kind of pain, then the only form of apology I want is for you to modify your actions. Ok, I can see some of you readers (if there are any of you?!) saying, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! You expect someone to modify their behavior, simply because you feel bad?!" To this I reply a modified yes. The modification is this...if you can't seem to go through life without often causing  distress to others, then you should reflect on your behavior and take steps to understand why you are causing this reaction. Once you understand your behavior, then it is up to you to make those changes...or not. If you chose not...you won't have  to remove yourself from my world, I am quite capable of making that step backwards.

I know convention won't change on this and many people on both the giving and receiving side of the apology would feel ill at ease without this social convention. But I say, if we could stand behind our good intentioned actions there would be a lot less need for this waste of breath.

Magic, damn it!

So I started writing this blog about the death of dating, or rather the death of having fun while dating...and I had this whole circus, merry-go-round metaphor/analogy going, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah...and I just couldn't post it... Don't get me wrong, I am tired of modern dating and (as I said to my friend) it would be nice to just fall asleep and wake up to find my partner sleeping next to me, but that's not how life happens... and I WANT to have fun, damn it (while dating and after)! I want adventure and compatible wildness and life trajectories that aren't going in completely opposite directions.

I have all these "things" vying for my attention, telling me to go out there and find someone, through social media, totally rubbish blogs, online dating, Hollywood and their damn romantic comedies... etc. But* in reality, a spark of interest often comes when I least expect it and in a flash I remember what it was like to like someone when I didn't have bills to pay, when reality didn't get in the way of magic...

I was at a festival (definitely a place where reality doesn't get in the way of magic) earlier this summer and as I hopped around in a field to some lovely beats, I noticed a sign bopping up and down in the crowd. It said, "You're doing it right!" 

The optimist in me wants to think I am...am I???

*yes, yes! I know I shouldn't start a sentence with but, sue me!

ps - Since I wrote this, I've had the pleasure of reading a good blog...as apposed to the rubbish one I linked above. Here it is!

Doggie Domestication and Personal Rumination

Achhh! I have been so slack about blogging as of late, but life is busy, ya know?! It's not like I have a job, or a career, or a family to take care of...but somehow I manage to be busy...who knows what will happen when I start living like an "adult"...I'll probably spontaneously combust!

I digress...

So what's with the odd blog title? Well, recently I have been doing a lot of dogsitting. It's not some spectacular career move, but it does put a few bucks in my back pocket, let me stay in different neighborhoods around LA, make art and play with doggies...

It also means that unless I'm conversing with the dogs (which I do, sometimes) it still leaves me with quite a lot of time to ruminate about things...

The most recent little thought that floated through my head was this~ 

We put too much emphasis on how life or a certain situation feels (and by this I mean our emotional response to any given situation)rather than focusing on what is (or the reality of said situation...reality being subjective, of course!) 

I'll use myself as an example.

Right now I don't have a job, no career, no boyfriend, no fiancee, no apartment, no house, no car..."no SIM card, no disco, no photo...we want your soul!" Oops, I digress again, but you get the picture. This situation feels uncertain, my emotion response is one of concern about all of the afore mentioned. That is how the situation feels.

However, the is...

In reality (or my version of reality) things are no more uncertain than if I had a house, a job, "Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electric tin can openers..." 

Wait... I digress yet again! What I mean to say is that in reality my life is no more uncertain without all these trappings than it is with them, it just feels that way.

And you know what I decided, I choose not to.

I choose not to feel that way. I choose to embrace the fact that life is just going to happen and if I keep putting one foot in front of the other in the direction that I choose, I will get somewhere...and then somewhere else and elsewhere after that.

I think it is in our human nature to focus too much on the fear our feelings can engender rather than looking at why we are having those feelings in the first place and why our natural response to them is actually a conditioned response that grows out of our experiences.

Choose to change your responses.

Choose forward motion.

"Choose life" :-)

The Reluctant Cyclist

I am, without a doubt, a reluctant biker. It's not that I don't like riding a bike...or that I'm lazy. I actually love riding and have fond memories of riding on top of the wall surrounding a lovely old Italian town or being thrilled (and a bit terrified) on a mountain biking afternoon in Switzerland... It's just that here, in LA, I don't like playing king of the road with cars...

Fortunately for me, I'm allowed to ride on the sidewalk (or path to you non-American speakers!) However, this does pose a different set of problems...cracks that run parallel to my tire (or tyre)...forcing me into a groove I do not desire, blind driveways and the like.

So I've come to the conclusion, I think, that what I like and dislike the most about biking is that it makes me feel alive (and therefore also aware of my own mortality...) But, since it is my current, and only chariot (aside from my legs and feet) I am getting over my reluctance, exploring uncharted (at least for me) territories and enjoying the spring air, the scent of jasmine, orange blossoms and car exhaust...

* the picture is from the fabulous Lucca, Italy (sadly LA is not "quite" so picturesque!)

Hollywood Surrealism

There's something quite surreal about biking through Hollywood, late on a Wednesday night...or rather early on a Thursday morning after a few glasses of wine at THE Dinner Party. It's early February, so the air is crisp and refreshing...a nice antidote to divergent conversation and entwining music making with friends who know how to knit together melodies and harmonies that makes your head whirl...

Of course the ride is not in anyway a basis for reality....a random man in a cowboy hat, strolling and strumming the guitar in front of the all night pharmacy (chemist)...pockets of party kids leaving the clubs punctuate the night, but mostly a quietness so often absent and a feeling of anticipation or possibilities arises... 

I sense a state of being that feels like how I was ten years ago, in Ireland, wandering home through urban landscapes, feeling and knowing anything was possible...and while the feeling is still there, some of the potential is lost, would I really take hold of an adventurous night time story, follow a line and lose the plot or would my ten-years-older head keep me from following the lead of possibility...? Reality sets in when I turn up the hill on Beachwood. I miss the wild recklessness of ago, but think that life may have devoured or compressed it out of existence...maybe I will surprise myself yet, and lose the plot only to find another...