Can't Wait for the Awesome!

You know when you look back on something you thought was awesome but really turned out to be just totally shitty...and you wonder how you could be such an idiot, cause for the most part, you're a smart cookie?!

...and you find yourself wondering, why did that have to happen? What was even the point? To see how terrible you can feel and still survive? I mean, who needs that?!

...but then you realize that when awesomeness comes around again and this time it's some realdealMFingbananaswoohoothatsit awesome...the comparison is going to blow your mind!

Yep! Can't wait for that AWESOME.

(in the meantime I'm gonna keep painting and baking and riding my bike)

Laters!

The Power of Tiny

Painting walks a fine line between meditation and inner contemplation...after this last Burn I dove straight in and sank so deep that I was a day late in returning my rental car (oops!). While there have definitely been meditative moments, on the whole, the process of working on this latest painting has been a very contemplative process...digesting internal experiences that took place for those two weeks in the dust. (my navel runs deep 😉)

Today I had a moment where a physical/visual occurrence dovetailed with my inner monologue (so it makes for a tidy example).

The painting I've been working on contains some blocks of letters on red. They are bold and stand out in a sea of (mostly) monochromatic tones. They are the visual equivalent of the grand gesture...and they were at odds with the rest of the painting...too bright...too much...to there...but I knew that they had to be a part of the painting...a part of the bigger picture.

This afternoon, I made a tiny gesture. A tiny visual gesture. I added five matching red shapes, the largest of which is no bigger than the fingernail on my index finger...and the whole painting just popped into togetherness.

You wouldn't think such a tiny element would have such a big impact, but it does. This tangible example mirrored what I have been mulling over in my head, during, and since the Burn.

So much in our lives focuses on the grand gesture (and don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan, it makes for a good story) but what inspires me more is the tiny gesture...the tiny pebble that is tossed into a pond and the subsequent ripples that reach the other side and then reflect back.

Maybe some slightly less esoteric examples will paint a better picture.

I went to the Burn this year wanting, seeking the grand gesture, the epic adventure, the sparkle...and for the most part it remained elusive...

In a mid-week lull of whatthefuckisgoingonIwashopingforadifferentnarrative, a tiny moment presented itself. Not a grand adventure. Not a chance to have a magical make-out session under the stars, nor a letscommandeerbikesandgetlost or a letseatallthefuckingcandy* ...but rather a moment that said, stop, sit outside your tent and a small but worthy conversation will come your way.

It did.

Change radiated out from that tiny conversation and back in...

Tiny gestures...

Of course the power of tiny gestures goes both ways. You can take two seconds to pick up a mooped sequin or two second to brush off someone in need of inclusion...

I think in the face of big events (and there are so many happening around us constantly) we feel a need to respond with a big gesture, and we forget that even the tiniest act, can have a profound effect...

I guess what I'm really trying to say, is thank you, to all you bringers of the tiny gesture...you made my Burn... x

Dic Pics and Foot Fetishes

Dear Boys on the Internets,

Hi! Nice to make your acquaintance. I will shortly be writing to you individually I would imagine. Opening with something generic like, "hope you're having a lovely day!" Please feel free to return the sentiment. Following this banal exchange of pleasantries we can arrange to meet up in person, because, let's be honest, all bets are off until we've done the human equivalent of dogs sniffing each other's butts.

However, before we proceed, let me offer  a little suggestion. Something you really should know by now, unless you were raised by wolves, or something, because any rational human being with the minimum of brain cells needed to breathe should know this...

No, I do not want to know about your fetish before we've even shared a cup of liquid legal stimulants.

(I'm happy for you that you have found something that hits your "yes" button, and should we proceed to something beyond the aforementioned liquid stimulants, I will be happy to discover if this is a "yes" button for me too! Yay! Everybody wins!)

Just not yet...let me finish my cup of coffee first!!

Also...

Yes! Hurrah! You have a penis! I'm glad you've discovered this! I've known for quite a while that boys have penises... (I don't, being a girl and all). While I'm so happy that you love your penis, it is, after all a part of you...no matter how proud you are of having this extra appendage, now is not the time to show it off.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this letter. Just incase you are still at all confused...

No dick pics and the fetishes can wait!


Sincerely,

A generally very calm and rational girl who's patience as been sorely tried today.

Home is Where the Hollywood is...

I woke up this morning
and you were on my mind.

A hangover from a dream.
(my subconscious still converses with you)

One turn and out of bed,
the canyon air, perfect.

The kind of day you only get in LA,
in spring, before the heat.

My mind melds the dream with reality,
and I want to continue that conversation over lunch.

I mentally pack a picnic basket,
food binds us where little else did.

Soon I'm feeling the wind in my hair
with you in front of me.

Dreams are beyond the need for safety,
we're flying...

Reality begins and ends in dreams.
Though not real, Facebook smacks of reality.

Post on my home feed
of how to love yourself more.

I am confused.
This is not the problem, it never has been.

I love me and have the capacity to love you,
but you don't, not me or (I have a sneaking suspicion) you.

This perfect late morning in the Hollywood hills,
it should be a movie.

My subconscious makes it a movie,
"You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for [fuck] sake!"

The setting may be right,
but the players are not.

Obviously I have not reached the arc.
My plot is still being written.

Until then, I will be kind to myself
and remember that reality begins and ends in dreams.

Traveling Light...

So, there's been a (not so fun) recurring theme with the past few men I've given my heart to, and I've been struggling to unpick what is going on...but I think I may have figured it out. (Thanks, Erin, for the reiki and reminder that I have a light heart).

I've somehow been attracted to men who find women with excess baggage interesting. I found myself thinking back to an early high school boyfriend, in combination with some more recent and current interactions with men in my life and a pattern emerged.

I've been stepping into these connections with an open, uncomplicated heart (having been so blessed with a loving and supportive past...everyone should be so lucky!) but I think this lightness of being has backfired on me. I think, because of this lack of heavy, lack of drama, I'm being perceived as both boring and possibly not engaging the subconscious male animal's protective instincts...a one-two punch that is cultivating disengagement.

The tricky part is...how to I go about solving this? How do I break this cycle? How do I find a man who understands that after a while all that baggage gets heavy, it becomes a burden that gets in the way of the adventure that is life. I travel light, and traveling light is great for adventures.

I know that at some point I may acquire more baggage, hold more sorrows...that's a natural part of life...but I don't think this will make me anymore authentic or interesting than I am now...so...

I know there is an adventurous man out there somewhere that wants to run out into the world with me and do all the THINGS!! Someone that can stand tall next to me...both of us with light hearts, open. [and maybe (at least for now) only a carry-on between us...😉].

Happy 12yr Anniversary...