My Week Without Facebook

The first step is admitting you have a problem... Hello. My name is Heidi and I am a Facebook addict. 

This last week I decided to take a break from Facebook. I had read a few studies and was feeling unhappy about some aspects in my life, so I decided to take a break and see if Facebook was to blame. 

Before I went on this Facebook break I assumed (based on things I had read and heard) that I would feel better after my week off. Having never been addicted to anything in my life before, it was weird to go through the experience of withdrawal. The first couple of days were definitely the most difficult, but by day three, that constant twitch to check my news feed was decreasing to just an occasion itch that wanted scratching.

So now my week is up and in actuality I don't feel any different. Those aspects of my life that are making me unhappy still are...because what affects my mood comes directly from my reality, not simply from the digital representation of my world. It is not what is on Facebook that affects my mood, but rather my pattern of behavior in how I engage with it. Doing things I know will make me unhappy on Facebook is the same as doing something in reality that upsets me. If I have the ability to be aware of my destructive behavior patterns and the will power to modify those bad habits, then both my online life and my real life will reflect those positive changes.(I hope)

While I feel that the study I read did make a valid point, for me personally, happiness is tied to what is going on in my real life and Facebook tends to mirror that. What I mean is, if something is bothering me in real life, it will bother me on Facebook too. 

One thing I did notice during this break is that Facebook sucks you into being a spectator of your life rather than experiencing it first hand. So, while I don't think Facebook makes me any more unhappy, I do think it can take me away from doing the things that make me happy...like dancing or working on a creative project.

So, as an addict, I have to say it was glorious to plunge back in to the digital world of Facebook, but I'm going to try and be mindful of both my time and behavior patterns in regards to my digital world. We'll see how I do...and if I succumb to binging again, maybe I'll do a month next time...just saying that makes my hands twitchy.

Biking Around the Road Blocks

Sometimes life throws things at you and you've got nuthin'...each way you turn you seem to encounter a road block. I've got a couple solutions when life sends me down a dead end. The first is dancing. 

While dancing is awesome, sometimes the clubs are closed and dancing around in your room just isn't going to cut it! That brings me to my second solution. Biking! 

Today was such a day, where I was again facing something that has (at least at the moment) no solution. I'm very good at falling down that rabbit hole where my mental wheels will spin and I won't actually get anywhere. When I feel that I'm falling into this trap, it's time to get the other wheels spinning. So, I put on my happy t-shirt... 

...and went for a ride.

While neither dancing nor riding actually solves anything, it does allow me to push a personal reset button...and now I want another happy t-shirt that says "Bicycle Doggy Chariots Make Me Happy!"

Happiness, A Two-Part Invention

There's a lot of stuff out there that says you have to find your own happiness, follow your bliss and choose to be happy, blah, blah, blah...but they leave out an important point, happiness, is often, a two part invention. Unless you are a hermit living alone on a mountain top, your happiness will be linked, in part, to your interpersonal relationships (and I don't just mean romantic relationships, I mean all relationships with other people).

Now don't get me wrong. I do think you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness and if you are searching for happiness in others, it's time to stop and figure out what you want to be happy and satisfied with your life...but this is not what I set out to write about.

To get to know someone, whether it's a romantic relationship, a deep friendship or a family member, you have to put some of your happiness into their hands...to fall into happiness with someone. To be able to have this kind of deep resonant happiness you have to trust and be vulnerable. This is your gift to them and their gift to you. This doesn't mean that you're not responsible for your own happiness. What it means is, initially (and continually) in any relationship you have to let go a little and put some of your happiness in someone else's hands to see if it is valued, cherished. 

If you take that risk and fall into happiness with someone and they do not value your happiness, you'll keep falling and hit the ground with a thud. It is ok to thud, maybe even a couple times, (the person you are falling with is human after all, and we all make mistakes, we all drop someone's heart at some point). But, if every time you leap you hit the ground (thud), then it is time to stop falling. They are not falling with you into happiness and they are not going to catch you. It is time to step back from the edge and take back the responsibility for your happiness again.

I think one of the most tricky things is to be able to hurtle yourself off that cliff into happiness again after you've had a few thuds (though it can also be equally as hard to stop jumping with the same person if you are hopeful they will change). 

So here's my point, I guess... Don't be afraid to let go and leap off the edge into happiness with someone, but stop falling if you keep on hitting the ground. 

 

Magic, damn it! (part 2)

Has it really been a year since my last post on this topic?! What a difference a year makes!! ...er, maybe not. Still looking for magic...more than that, I'm looking for someone who embodies this quote.


     "Happy, smile. Sad, frown. Use the corresponding face 
      with the corresponding emotion."  

                                    -Meg Ryan, French Kiss.


I strive to be real, honest and genuine with all people who come into my life (it's not always possible, but I really do try!) ...and I don't think it's too much to ask that people try and do the same in return. 

I seem to keep finding magic with people whose outside doesn't match their inside...and in trying to navigate such interpersonal relationships, I feel like I am being forced to not live up to this quote. I find in this is vacuum of genuineness and honesty my ability to honestly convey the genuine me is diminished. (Could I squeeze in any more derivations of the word honest and genuine into that sentence?!! ;-) )

I don't want to be diminished, I don't want (to be) less, I want (to be) MORE, damn it!! 

It's disheartening, banging my head against a metaphorical wall, and makes me feel like I'm somehow doing it wrong...like that little sign I always see at festivals "you're doing it right" is somehow wrong and does not apply to me... I am trying very hard to be optimistic and have hope. For nearly ten years I have had hope...but hope is beginning to wearing thin...

Words aren't always sufficient in conveying thought. This song, however, is hitting the mark pretty well.

Warning! (contents under pressure)

Most days you wake up feeling fairly intelligent...then there are those days when your brain goes on vacation...

False Positive

When did we become obsessed with being happy? 

It seems so often these days I encounter an instance of what I call false positivism. People or ideologies that preach the gospel of always looking on the bright side of life. Don't get me wrong, I think a healthy positive outlook can do a lot towards making your life a happy one, it's just that I want genuine happiness... a happiness that is grounded in (my own and subjective) reality rather than this false positive veneer that has no basis in who I am and how I respond to things as an emotive human being.

I would probably call myself a positive realist. Now, I know that many pessimistic people have hidden behind the motto "I'm a realist" giving it a negative slant, but for me, true, deep and genuine happiness has its foundation in reality. Our subjective realities are unique and complicated and as such, our own particular brand of happiness is often colored by this. It is this coloring that makes us multi-dimensional individuals rather than cardboard cut-out paper dolls with smiles plastered to our faces. 

Since when did we have to feel one emotion for a single given situation? I am, as are you, a complex human being. I can be both happy and frustrated in the same moment about a single thing. That's what makes us so interesting...our complexity and multifaceted emotional nature. 

I'll use myself as an example. The other day I got a teaching gig. One private student, for art lessons. I was extremely happy about this for many reasons... I enjoy teaching, I need more work, additional income, something to add to my resume and so many other things made my emotional response to this a happy one. However, my student is a 2 hour (each way, 4hrs total!) commute away and this aspect tempered my happiness with a twinge of frustration. My happiness was grounded in the reality of the situation. It didn't make me any less happy, I was simply able to hold both happiness and frustration in response to this single situation. As I said before, our primary emotions are often tempered  by a myriad of things. When I shared this news on Facebook (as you do!) I was honest about how I felt. For the most part all I received were heartfelt congratulations....but I did have a friend who has fallen victim to the need for false positivity. They felt the need to chastised me for adding a grey lining to a silver cloud. For a moment I was angry, and then I was just a bit sad that my friend couldn't realize what a healthy choice my realistic happiness was. By my choosing to embrace the complexity of this joy, I was able to understand it (and myself more fully) and have a lasting happiness about it. 

Unexamined or blind happiness in my opinion is not actually happiness at all. I choose examined, complicated happiness for my life and (for me, at least) that comes from looking at myself (yes, a little bit of navel gazing isn't the worst thing ever) and understanding how to embrace a joy that is grounded in my own subjective reality.

I am not much of a writer (paint is my medium of choice) so instead of waffling on any longer this (click "this") lovely combination of words and art, probably does a better job at getting what I'm trying (so un-eloquently) to say! Also this (click "this") is an interesting read for how to deal with negative emotions...rather than slapping the happy wallpaper over it!


...that said, (the season of outdoor dancing is upon us and...) I am :-) 

ps - I hope you enjoyed all of my links!!