There's been a lot of talk about ghosting recently..."maybe, maybe too much talk..."
I'm as close to black and white as I ever get, when it comes to ghosting (ok, so maybe I'm slightly charcoal). If you have some insane stalker, by all means, walk away without another word, but in the world of average dating, ghosting is about the shittiest thing you can do to someone.
There has been quite a bit written about ghosting recently. So, I don't think I need to discuss it at length... I'll keep it short and sweet (there's nothing sweet about ghosting).
As a recipient of ghosting (multiple times) I have to disagree with Jezebel's point that the recipient is deserving of this treatment. I was in no way deserving of the ghosting that I found myself on the receiving end of...I even had one of the men who did it to me subsequently say "You don't and didn't deserve the way I just let it go, totally not fair to you..."
What it really boils down to (at least as I see it) is a lack of respect for someone and a giving in to fear...fear of having a difficult and potentially uncomfortable conversation. When did we become so afraid of raw, real feelings and open, honest communication? Are we so universally afraid of not being totally adored that when we feel we might upset someone, we choose to shutdown, to disappear? This shutting down is not the way forward... Is "no" really that difficult to say? I respect "no"...but I have no respect for individuals who think that it is somehow better to never say no, who would rather say nothing at all.
While there will always be cowards when it comes to being open and honest in relationships, what I find more disturbing is how ghosting has spilled over into other arenas. I've noticed a worrying trend of ghosting becoming a part of everyday life. I have been ignored by businesses, clients and prospective employers. What has happened to our manners?
I'm not writing this necessarily to change your mind, but rather, at least, to invite you to take a moment and reflect on how you like to be treated... Does this run parallel to your thoughts on ghosting, parallel to your own behavior?
For those of you who are chronic ghosts, I invite you...
Own your own bullshit! It's ok to be terrified of a real conversation. Admit you're terrified, make that part of the conversation. Shit, you don't even have to say it. Just get some little business cards printed up that say "I'm too fucking scared to communicate. I'm sorry. Goodbye." and hand them out to whomever you want to end something with without a genuine conversation. Then you can continue on your merry way knowing that you'll never have to change and you've at least minimized the crushing agony of "what-the-fuck-just-happened?" that is playing in circles in your recipient's head.
...but if you want to be the better version of you... have that conversation, face to face.
Stop ghosting.
Start talking.
It seems that I keep having people in my life, friends and acquaintances, who are working so hard at being somebody. Who are looking externally for what makes them somebody. Who feel as if they are not somebody because they haven't made some kind of mark on the world around them.
I want to reach out somehow, place my hands on their shoulders and say "you are somebody!" You have been somebody all your life.
You may want to do more of something and less of something else, but that is simply the trajectory or path of your life's activities.
It is not you.
History (your past) does not make you somebody.
Success does not make you somebody.
Failure does not make you somebody.
"Likes" do not make you somebody.
Happiness does not make you somebody...
neither does sadness.
While all these things, experiences, may give you a deeper understanding of your "somebody", they are not you, they do not define the quintessence of you.
You always are and always have been somebody. Stop trying so hard. Accept that you are somebody. Love that somebody. Hold those who know your "somebody" close...those ones who mirror back the true quintessence of you.
Let those who don't, fade away.
Some people will never see you, see your "somebody"...let them go. It is not their job to see you. You see you. That is your job...it is your only job...the rest is just activity.
(*for those of you who had the distinct pleasure of knowing the magical beauty that was Sweat, Sir Henry's...EVERYBODEEEEE, BE SOMEBODEEEE! EVERYBODEEEEE, MOVE YOUR BODEEEE!!!!)
...so in other words, we're all fucking addicts.
Happy Valentine's Day.
In the wake of confusion that comes when someone decides, for whatever reason, that they are no longer into you, I always find myself asking the big questions...like, "what is the point?" and other such ruminations. During this last fallout period, I ran across a quote from Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. It struck a chord. So I ordered the book and began to read it between bouts of self-indulgent mopey-ness. I haven't finished it yet, but so far it has been a good and thought provoking read. It has made me think around my own ideas of the meaning of it all.
Here's what I've come up with, for me, personally.
The meaning of life is to have a life full of (lived) meaning.
(I like how that is kind of a verbal palindrome)
I'm sure I'm not the first (nor will I be the last) person to have this idea, but what I do like about it is that it's a blank slate or in my case, a blank canvas. The blank canvas has no judgements, it simply sits there, waiting for you to choose a color and start to paint. Meaning or meaningfulness is a bit like painting, you have to approach it with intent. Without intent you will produce mud...
I also like the universality of this idea. That, if you pay attention to what your genuine needs are for fulfillment, then this idea should provide a path to finding meaning in life that fits perfectly with you, and only you. It does require some thought about what genuinely gives you meaning, but it is fluid and can accommodate most needs and can change and develop over time. I hesitate to use the word "needs" as there is a lot written about setting yourself free of need. However, in my mind these are not "needs" that make you needy, but rather less concrete aspects of life that bring you fulfillment. Ok, I'm starting to ramble...examples, right, good idea!
For me, the things that give my life meaning are -
People. The people I choose to surround myself with...
(both friends and family)
Creating. Or creative expression, in all its forms.
(painting, baking, ceramics, photography, dancing, etc!!)
Adventure. Travel...seeing what is around the next bend,
whether that bend is on the other side of the world or the
view from my bike in an unexplored neighborhood of LA, or
around the corner of time...as well as the adventure of
discovering new people, new creative pursuits, new stories,
internal exploration, etc...the adventure of life/living,
as it were.
Those are my three. What are yours? What feeds your soul? What fulfills you?
While, not being wanted, can knock me on my emotional ass for a minute or two, it never really takes the meaning out of life for me, it just pushes me to reflect, reassess, lick my wounds and then get on with living, with intent, purpose and meaning!
Ten years.
If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be single for ten years, I would not have believed them.
Ten years...I lived it and I still don't believe it.
Oh, I've had some casual dates and some hopeful moments, but nothing has stuck. I've had people tell me that I'm too picky, but honestly, can you be too picky when it comes to someone you want to spend the adventure of your life with?
I don't think I've been too picky. I mean the last person I was (and still kinda am) interested in isn't tall or classically good looking, though I find him very attractive. He doesn't have a fancy degree from some Ivy League school or a high powered job, but he loves what he does and that is incredibly appealing...that passion for a life that is being lived. He's old enough to have had many life experiences that might make one pause...ten years ago it would have made me pause... But you see, in ten years I've gotten less picky, and more, at the same time. What then would have made me hesitate is now what makes someone interesting. Their life. History. What has built them into the "them" they are today.
Ten years ago I might not have seen beyond some of these superficial things. Not enough of my "boxes" would have been ticked...but now...now I have no little "boxes". Instead I have a gut feeling that says pay attention...
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some desperate creature that needs someone to "complete me" (or save me or any other nonsense of that ilk). I am perfectly happy with the "me" I am today. I have a pretty good handle on who I am and what I'm looking for out of life...I'm not perfect and I don't expect or want perfection, for me or from someone else. But, as much as I love my life, I do want to share it with someone...and if the last ten years are anything to go by, something has got to change.
But what?
The day is coming, when I will be able to let go, let go of the "might have been" and heart in hand, take a step forward again.
But where?
Tinder? (<click on Tinder..I'm laughing hysterically) OkCupid? Match? eHarmony? A set-up from well intentioned friends of my parents?
My little romantic heart doesn't want to shop for love online, but what else can I do...?
(he did...I did)
For now, I've used up all my sticky tape to keep my heart in shape and I'm working on having "the courage to start all over again."
I met a boy this summer.
I call him a boy because he made me feel like a girl in all the best possible ways...that exhilarating high, that you always want, but don't often reach.
I will admit, I had stars in my eyes and hope in my heart.
I knew from the beginning, like all relationships, that we might try and see and it might not work...and while I knew this would be painful, the "not working" part, I was willing to take that risk because I knew I would be able to live with it. That the pain of something that has run its course is something I can handle, that is ok, because I and we have given it our best shot. It is a natural, if difficult progression.
The spark that has never been given the chance to burst into flame...how do you live with that? How do you live with something that never got the chance to "not work"? To me that is one of the saddest things of all...
"Over time, the ghosts of things that happen start
to turn distant...they wear thin. The ones that slice
like razors forever are the ghosts of things that
never got the chance to happen."
~ T. French
Stars no longer sit in my eyes, but I still have hope in my heart, it's ripping at me...the ghost flame of what might have been or could still be... Only time will change that...
I met a boy this summer...and I can't seem to let him go...
Ok, so I had planned to do a post about New Year's resolutions...original, eh?! Here was my rough start...
"Boys? Fecking Houdini's...I've been dating magicians ...all magic and then poof! like fuckin' Houdini they disappear. My new years resolution...NO MORE FUCKING Houdinis!!!! ...now I just have to figure out how to sort out the real magic from the cheap illusion!
This year I have two resolutions. To floss my teeth everyday (root canals suck) and to stop falling for magicians.
get sucked into the magic, dazzled by the spectacular..."
However, instead of that kind of "meh" post, I'm going to write what I've already learned this year!
"Maybe" means "No" and henceforth I will be treating all "maybes" as such! ...and done!
Oh, and dancing 'til I am drenched in sweat to deep house music is still the best (temporary) cure for all ills!
Happy 2015 everyone!!
